He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
