your parents love me but you hate me
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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