An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
