You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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