She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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