so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
We're too hungover to prance.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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