I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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