I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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