Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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