Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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