I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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