It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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