so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
