Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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