I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Someone came in the potted fern
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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