found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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