You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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