Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
