so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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