K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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