well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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