We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
There r osticjed everywhere
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
