I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
