I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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