also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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