You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize