i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
