I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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