Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
