what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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