Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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