hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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