My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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