i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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