Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
