My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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