Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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