just survived the first fart of the relationship.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
