did you get engaged???
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
