I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
