I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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