I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
