I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
