Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I want her autograph on my taint
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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