my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My ATM looks so different sober.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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