I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
