The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I faked an abortion last night.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
