so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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