nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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