what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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