Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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