The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
