Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
