Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
