i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
